April 3rd, 2002



Okay so I'm sick of skirting around the issue of why I can't sleep. I finally just admitted it to myself for a second time, funny thing is the last time I admitted this to be true to myself was about this time last year also. Within this week sometime to be exact I believe.

My Dad is having trouble breathing yet again. Just like this time last year, except he has actually been taking his medication this time. So I'm freaking out. It's not bad yet, like it was last time, only when he lays down on his back completely for too long, but it's so scary. He almost went into congestive heart failure last time, he was about 2 or 3 days from it the doctors said when he finally came home from work saying he hadn't caught his breathe since he woke up, and had me drive him to the E.R.

And hear I go crying like a fucking baby....

But I'm so scared. He is all I have left besides my brother. My Dad is my world to me though, he always has been. He is my rock, my hero, a person I aspire to be like but feel I never will be able to be like, and my best friend.

Why the fuck does this shit happen to me? Isn't it good enough that I've lost one fucking parent already? I guess it isn't. Otherwise this shit wouldn't happen to me.

And it doesn't help that I feel completely isolated right now, and I don't really know who my "friends" are and who aren't. I don't know who to trust, and the one person I do trust s the fucking source of all this pain right now.

I'm just so scared that he is gonna end up in the hospital yet again, and this time he won't leave.

Oh my god I'm so scared.......
  • Current Music
    Eric Clapton - Tears In Heaven


I got to talk to Kevin today. For a while actually. I called him and then he called me. I found out he's not only been working overtime, but that he's pretty much sold the house he's living in already so he's been moving to his buddy Mike's house after work. That's why he hasn't been online. So I'm happy for him, he thought he was gonna have a hard time selling the house he lives in now I think.

He wants me to come and stay with him this weekend and I really want to. I'm sure I can figure out a way to do so, I usually do. But he wants to move more stuff this weekend, instead of having his kids, because this weekend is supposed to be nice. So I offered to help him out if he wants me to. Of course he said yeah, so maybe I'll be down there again this weekend. That would rock. I miss him ALOT.

I think if the weather is nice tomorrow that I am gonna try and get my Dad to lemme use the car and go to practice for a little while. It wouldn't hurt me to get out of the house. In fact I really need to get out of the house and socialize like a normal person. Might get my mind off of stuff.

Well, I am gonna go watch t.v. and go to bed I think. Can't read my book because I finished it last night.
  • Current Music
    Leftfield - Open Up